Wreckage

(Inspired by Superchick's song, "Courage")

They both had their vices.
She starved herself to perfection. He bled to attain peace.
They both had each other.
He didn't tell her to eat. She didn't tell him to put the blade away.
They sat in silence, away from accusers. No judgment, no expectations.

They suffered. They weren't good enough. But in their short time together, they didn't need to be.

At times, they talked. They talked about the things they couldn't tell the others. They knew they wouldn't scare them, like so many others had been scared. They listened, but didn't offer opinion or rebuke. They accepted.

It was decided that they influenced each other negatively. It was decided that they would no longer spend time together. It was decided that even a goodbye was inappropriate.

They added their separation to their long list of sorrows. They no longer had a friend who could listen to their tales of suffering. And so they suffered more.

Many years, hospitalizations, and rehab visits later, they had a chance meeting. They sat. They talked. They listened.

For hours, they spoke of what had happened. It grew late.

They rode the city bus home, still in each other's company. They didn't want to go back. Back to the many nameless faces that ran their lives.

They looked in each other's eyes, about to bid farewell.


They never spoke the words.
They were found in the wreckage by the paramedics, dead on impact.

Please Turn To Page Zero

There's no school today. That's good, because I would have been a zombie. I was at the Relient K concert and didn't get back till one am. The ferry is so amazing when it's stormy out. Especially when you listen to Demon Hunter.
Emily and I didn't even watch the concert. We couldn't get to the floor, so we sat outside the arena on these random stairs and did swing dance steps in front of a security camera. We could still hear the music well; we had to shout to be heard.
I think I have some lyrics to that song I'm working on in Recording Arts. The title of this post is going to be the name of the song. I was feeling very artistic yesterday and wrote a bunch of stuff.
I'm done trying to think of things to say, and I'm hungry.

So much blood...

Wow. that sounds like a horror movie.
I had nine teeth taken out this morning. As far as I can tell, I was fine after sedation. I was rational, I just couldn't talk and was very sleepy. They gave me a narcotic to take, but I'm just gonna take the ibuprofen unless it gets worse. My lower lip is still numb, and feels really huge.

I guess I'm just attracted to mysterious men in dark cloaks.

Mondays are depressing. Especially today. I'm really trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my head. It's really confusing. I swear, there's more than one person up there.
It's so frustrating, I'm feeling kind of outgoing, and then something happens and my confidence disappears. And I want to hide. And I really want people to get out of my personal space. Now.
Being around 900+ people for eight hours a day is not fun. I mean, I guess parts are. Science was fun. I got to sit on a rolling board. And be a turtle. A spinning turtle of doom.
I just don't like the fact that everyone there expects something of you. It's true. Even in the hallways. Where they probably just expect you to get out of their way.
Maybe I should move to England.
Youth group last night was insanely fun.
A player loves no pants.
Everybody loves Buffalo lumps!
But nobody loves neverneverpants.
Because they don't exist.

...alone is not lonely...

What was your motivation?
The power.
When you walk down that crowded hall, every face turns to stare.
In some, you can see the glint of fear shimmering in their eyes.
They quickly look away.
You smile inwardly, still careful to keep a dead expression glued to your face.
You show no weakness, and no joy.
Is it such a sorrowful existence you lead?
Was it great pain that made you streak your face with artificial tears?

What is it you are afraid of?

If they really know me, they will hurt me, you say to yourself.
Many have let you down before, it won't happen again.
But, unable to trust, you are left alone.
Are you really that self-sufficient?
Can you exist without being touched by the lives of others?
You have drawn inward, failing to take part in the community of souls, failing to share the tears, the laughter, the pain, the joy.

But it is not a failure.

You know where your worth lies.
It lies not with the assortment of people some call friends.
You do not deal in that currency.
You like to be alone, yet you are not lonely.
The two do not always go hand-in-hand.
There are some you trust.
Looks can be deceiving.
They are not always there, but they know when they should be.
Be close, and yet far, you tell them. They understand.

So you sit alone, your favorite place, and you create.

Little House on the Bomb Range

We watched Mythbusters in science today. The sub was a french teacher.
I really want to take russian next year.
Um, I'm pretty sure I don't look like that much of an emo. So I don't know what their problem was. Speaking of having problems, this one guy in my math class... oh my gosh, don't even get me started.
Color Bombz is amazing. It wins for fastest dye job ever. It's a spray, it comes in a bunch of colors, and it shows up just as well on dark hair as on light. It kind of flakes (really miniscule flakes, they look like glitter), and comes out if you shake your head or run your fingers through it. But it looks cool when it does that, especially in the sun. Seriously, I put it in in like five minutes or less. And it comes out next time you shower. I give it a four out of five.
My History class is holding a trial for Shi Huangdi. Who happens to have been dead for quite some time.

That was interesting.

Yeah. The shooting's done for the video. Interesting doesn't even begin to describe it.
It was amazingly fun though.
"You can't go in there. The frogs, and the pudding, it's... it's just terrible!"
"I'm really confused now."
"I've never been in a closet with anyone..."
"I wonder what happened to him." "I wonder what happened to him." "I wonder what happened to him." "I wonder what happened to him."
"Line time?"
"Twinkle twinkle everyone!"
"Everyone who's not the director stop talking!"
*silence*
"Were you dancing with Sammypants?"
"Don't tell my mother!"
Sam: "What?"
"Corny - cut!"
"*chanting* Soap, soap, soap, soap."
"*singing* Happy Smile Laundry, where soap can be your friend."
"*chanting* Soap, soap, soap, soap."
"*singing* Happy Smile Laundry, we're with you to the end!"
"Soap!"

I always knew there was something hidden behind those eyes, I always knew of his secret pain. And I always believed in him.

Well, now I have more than one page of that Hogwarts fanfic. I don't really have that much time to write these days. Because I mostly write at night, but I value my sleep. So you can see how that doesn't happen often.
The (hopefully) last video shoot is tomorrow. I'd love to do more of them, they're really fun, but this movie has taken so long to finish....and it's only ten minutes long.
I won't leave without a trace.
I won't be erased.
School is going pretty well. Though I got kind of depressed a few nights ago because I still have trouble talking to people. Well at least I know my future won't be in human relations.
I actually have to dye my hair now. I don't want to get up early tomorrow to do it.

Contractable Contactables

Yup.
I can see now.
Not that I couldn't.
Just not as well as I would have liked.
I have contacts. And I'm getting glasses in a week. They are Unfabulous. The adult glasses were too large for my head. So to the kiddie section I go. They aren't too bad. Except for the Hannah Montana ones....*shudders*
Apparently i have 20 20 vision up close, and like 20 60 far away. Weird.
Ha ha, I'm making a Hogwarts story. It's called Electric. It's pretty cool.
Alexa hasn't responded yet to that rather....interesting... message I left her.
I have Cherrypants. Not to be confused with Bananapants, which are cooler, and therefore harder to come by. Lol I want shooterpants. As in "shoot her." Because Lauren said if I wore them I would get shot.

Shhh, I'm plotting revenge.

Yes, it is true, I'm afraid. Ceaselessly plotting. On how to bring about more plotting. As in the SPC. Secret Plotting Club. Which doesn't exist yet. But it will. It will.
I was trying to read last night until my eyes wouldn't focus. But I finished the book before that happened. I was up until four. Funtimes.
Youth group was last night. I gave the announcements and we played Bananapants.
I have decided I am going to become a musician, lyricist, composer, psychologist, linguist, and author. People have accomplished more. I think it's a pretty reasonable goal. It's better than picking just one.
So to do that, I'll have to double major in music and psychology, but I think you need six years to become a practicing psychologist, so I'll take the final two on the computer if possible. I can use Rosetta Stone for the languages. I'm already working towards being a musician and lyricist, but I don't understand music enough yet to be a composer.
I am not obsessed with people named Chris. I was kind of obsessed with one, but that was a long time ago.

"And that's what killed his nose!"

Killing noses is an odd pastime...
"Hate isn't a family value, just a liberal pastime."
My mom came up with that.
So, now I'm on the "Student Leadership Team" at youth group. I'm not sure why. I never even considered applying the first time. I mean, it's a good chance to serve and stuff, I just never thought of myself as a leadership type.
Movie night tonight. I haven't seen Newsies in a long time. It should be fun.
School is actually turning out to be pretty cool. I've talked to a few people, and I don't eat lunch alone, so I guess that's pretty good for only being there three days. It seems like everyone there brought all their friends from whatever school they went to before.
Health class is a little cliche at times, but it's okay. I have parental permission to opt out during certain instances.
The new Thousand Foot Krutch album comes out on the eighteenth! "New Drug" is pretty cool. You can listen to it on their myspace.
The new 12 Stones album is pretty good. They remind me of Day of Fire.

First Day of School, Part Two:

School was... okay.
In a good way.
But I really need glasses because my head hurts.
Really bad.
And my bag is way too small for my books.
I'll be getting one in the mail soon, though.
Recording Arts was, predictably, amazing.
My home work is to listen to music.
No lie.
There's a bit more involved, but that's basically it.
My health homework is to decorate a poster.
The bus isn't that fun, there were kids in the back talking about drugs.
And swearing. Profusely.
I ate lunch with Becca.
Who takes classes there until lunch and then has PAL.
I met a few people.
It was pretty cool.
I still have no idea what a Cartesian diver is.

First Day of School, Part One:

Yeah.
Waiting for the bus.
I'm not really that nervous.
But my stomach feels weird.
I don't know when or where Homeroom is.
Emily and I ride the same bus, though.
I don't really know what else to say.
I'm just waiting for the bus.

A Love Hate Masquerade

I'm really sad. Kids In The Way is different. Than they were. They used to be different. Now they're not. I feel like crying. No more screaming, they're still good, just not special.
Looking forward to the new Thousand Foot Krutch album. But people say they're going just a little softer too. What's wrong with you people? I like it hard!
New Fireflight... I hope they're going harder. And better.
Oh...new Emery. "Party Song" sounds good. At least they're still screaming. Unlike some people. *cough*Kidsintheway*cough* Yes, I'm still mad about that.

I fully intend to get a lip ring when I turn 18.

I'm serious. I'm pretty much loving lip rings. And I've heard it doesn't hurt as much as other piercings. Some people said it didn't hurt at all. I guess it just depends on the person and their pain tolerance.
But my parents don't like them. My mom said she doesn't like the way it looks. Well, that's your opinion, and it's my face.
I can't do it until I'm done with braces anyway.
Yeah. Finally getting braces. Within this month. I think. They have a mold of my teeth, but I need eight teeth taken out. So it'll probably be longer. Stupid crooked teeth.
The worst part of school so far is not knowing anyone and getting up early. Of course I haven't even started yet.

Our Faces Fall Apart, and My Heartstrings Come Undone

Wow. Summer of Darkness is an amazing album. I can't believe I haven't listened to it before.
At the football game last night there were a few drunks sitting behind me screaming profanities. Along with telling the defense to "kill him!!!"

I don't belong here.
I never saw this on the path I walk,
The blood stained walls, the lines of chalk on the floor.
It's getting so hard.
I never saw the backlash when the tide began to rise.
I can't remember
The way it was when everything felt right.
My mouth held shut and eyes sealed tight with control.
So I remember on the inside...
I found a dark, infernal place I don't want to face anymore.
Somehow I won't stop feeding the pain, my heart's just the same as before.

If this is all the love my spirit can give,
(just take it back tonight)
There is not a reason more to live.

I love that song.

HSM 2, skipping singer boys, and emo angry songs.

The party was amazing. If you weren't invited, you should be jealous. I'm kidding.....the only reason one wouldn't be invited is if you were a guy....like my grandpa, who really wanted to come.
Lauren and I stayed up all night. Eating cheetos and watching Potter Puppet Pals. And making up our own dialog. Troy and Chad forever!
I'm getting excited about school. There's this amazing class I'm taking called Recording Arts. But apparently I don't get a locker. :(
I finally got the HSM 2 soundtrack! And incense. Now my room smells like India.

Ketchup splattered on the floor is VERY funny.

I swear it is. I almost collapsed laughing at it. Well, I actually did. No almost. But The Almost is a pretty good band. You should check them out. Along with Haste the Day. They are like the most amazing band ever. I love their lyrics. And you should check out Project 86's Rival Factions album. "Pull Me Closer, Violent Dancer" = most amazing song ever. It's about moshing.
The video shoot on Monday was fun, but we didn't get everything done, because of circumstances beyond our control. Lol, Sarah and Matt make a beautiful couple. A ghostly, baby-powdered twelve year old and a dark ballerina.
"You hate babies? I hate babies! Let's not get married and never have kids." Alexa is hilarious.
I was being a diva and stormed off of the set. Then I stormed right back on. Hey, I'm not a troublemaker. Even if I do occasionally dye my hair purple. And punch flour bags until they explode.
I need to wash my glove. It has lipstick on it. I had to put my hand over Rachel's mouth while she screamed. Locke doesn't have to wear lipstick. I'm glad. But apparently she wears perfume? Alexa ran up and sprayed some on me. It was gross. I couldn't get it off.
When we were done with the shoot Matt called his mom and was saying that he was all alone at the church and that she was late. I was like "What? You liar!" So he gave me the phone and I talked to her.

*insert witty caption here*

Summer depresses me.
There's nothing to do but sit around and watch tv, and tell myself that I'll get around to doing whatever it is I need to do later. Which I never end up doing. So I spend two hours on the computer, and wonder why my life is so boring.
There are things I should be doing. Like practicing guitar. Or cleaning my room (believe me, it needs it). I could even work on Hebrew. But I got stuck, so I don't see that progressing in the near future.
An even better use of my time would be to catch up on reading the Bible. Which I seem to have forgotten about...
So now I bid the internet farewell and get on with my day.

Liberty Spikes!

Creation fest was amazing. As in amazingly hot. But it was still really fun. I met Thousand Foot Krutch. And gave them keychains. The keychains were orange, so I said they were "The Flame In All Of Us." They thought it was funny.
Emily and I were having a conversation in the camper (at the reunion). I was saying something like, "if I were older and he wasn't married..." It was funny. Jason heard that part. Then we went outside to go somewhere on our bikes and I said "the rest of them aren't bad-looking either." Emily agreed, and Jason said something about the boy scouts. It's so fun to talk about things in front of Jason. Emily got a text and I asked her how Kevin was. But we aren't really very good liars. Which I guess is a good thing.
I might as well announce it here...I will be attending Kingston High School for my tenth-grade year. It was only after a lot of thought and introspection that I have made this decision.
I am going to try to give myself a mohawk. Liberty spike style. Lots of hairspray.
I am such a girl. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, since I am. I just say that when I'm mad at myself because I keep spacing and smiling.
Emily and I had a water and soap fight yesterday. "How do you turn soap into gold?" "Add twenty-four carrots!" And no, that's not supposed to make sense.
I haven't finished the story about Bob because I was on a roll and I'm not sure that I could do it again. I will try though. I've got pretty much nothing going on this week, so I'll have time.
And now I must make myself a latte.

Emokid with no name and a dark soul.

That was my nickname at camp. Cause I was being emo for a skit. "And here we have..." "I have no name." It was fun. Those two guys were kind of odd.... "Poke the baby!" "Twenty push-ups! It's non-violence day!"
My brother is so cool. I was at the waterfront with everyone else watching people get blobbed, and this random guy came up and sat down next to me. We started talking and then five minutes later Jason runs over. "Hi, I'm Bearclaw, Amber's brother." It might have been my imagination, but I think he slightly emphasized the word "brother." Then he just ran off. It was hilarious. I baked him cookies today.
We played so many fun games. Jolly Rancher made us all spin in circles before most of the games, and it is really hard to run after spinning twenty times. We played Capture the Flag. With a fish. A real, two foot long salmon. Its head fell off. No, actually someone ripped it off.
I had Riflery, Guitar, and Center stage for classes. Riflery was pretty cool, I managed to hit a few things. Guitar was fun, we mainly just practiced chords and talked. Then at the end we'd start singing. Center stage was like a drama class. The teachers were really cool and the games were fun, but then we had to all do the talent/no talent night. Which is like a gong show. I was majorly lame.
The dance party was the most amazingly intense and awesomely fun thing I've ever done. They played a bunch of techno and everyone just jumped around. They even played Sadie Hawkins Dance.
Lol, Suave described Jason as "Wolverine, but he never retracts his claws."
In Center Stage, the class was playing word association. Someone said "grandma" and then 2legit said "Funeral." Well, I said people fall from the sky. That class got really violent. "You mowed a sheep!"
"It sucks being a speed bump."
"It sucks being a homeless person."
"It sucks being a starfish."
Man, the banquet was awkward. It's a formal dinner thing where the guys' cabins each ask out a girls' cabin. Four cabins asked mine. We said yes to two of them. So we each had two "dates." I brought my lip rings, and Morgan and I wore them. No guys came up to us, so we just hooked arms and kept saying, "We're independent. We don't need a man. Or two." Then a few guys from one of the cabins who had no dates came up to us and were joking about "stealing" us from he other cabins. Not like it matters, our dates didn't pay any attention to us anyway. So we all went in and Morgan and I sat at a random table and those guys who didn't have dates came and sat with us. I already kind of knew some of them, so it was better than sitting with the random guys who we knew nothing about that we were actually supposed to go with.
One of them kept swearing. He dropped the f word and I got really annoyed and asked him to stop. The guy next to him agreed with me, and used the a-word. I looked at him and he was like "Oh. Sorry."

"I shall tear myself from your side!" *rip*

From "Singing in the Rain."
I am leaving for camp today, and I thought I should leave something meaningful on my blog. So here you go, and you're welcome in advance.





Fare thee well.

dreams and mountain dew

I keep having dreams involving guitars. Me playing the guitar, random security guards/thugs playing guitars, guitar tablature, and then I dreamt of the mandolin.
That one security guard/thug had nice hair.
*shrug* Whatever, it's better than dreaming of chickens. And scary homicidal people...
"It's Miracle Whip! We're rich! Quick, re-name the chicken before it's too late!"
Yeah. Save your Miracle Whip, in the future it's really miraculous. Literally. And half the time the chicken was rubber. Oh, and High School Musical stuff is really rare.
I went to Walmart yesterday. That act alone is not incredible, but what happened there is. You see, there was a man shopping there. Let's call him Bob. Bob is allergic to aluminum. Well, he had a can of Mountain Dew. He poured it into a cup, thinking to circumvent this allergy. Enter Harry, the Walmart employee. Harry is a happy person, and very optimistic. Being very musical, he likes to dance. So Harry danced. Right there, for all to see, in the middle of aisle five. Bob was also in aisle five. He was just about to take the first delicious sip of his beloved Mountain Dew, when Harry appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and danced his most daring, devious, and all-around disconcerting move. He jostled Bob, and Bob's precious Mountain Dew... spilled! He stopped, overwhelmed by the agony of it all. What follows this turn of events is inexplicable, but one could only relate it to the sensation of having your dreams wrenched out of your hands with a jackhammer, dumped into a blender, and pureed until the only thing that was left was greyish-brown goo. Well, experiencing these feelings, Bob became desperate, and ran. He didn't get far. Bob slipped on the tragically spilled Mountain Dew, and slid into a wall of baby's nightgowns. This alone would not have led to much trauma, but behind the fateful wall of baby's nightgowns lay a rack of trampolines. Once Bob hit the baby's nightgowns, they ricocheted into the trampolines and fell on surprised Bob.

Then all the babies laughed.

But then they felt great remorse for having laughed at Bob in his tragedy. So they lifted the baby's nightgowns and freed Bob. To Bob's great delight, a small amount of his beloved Mountain Dew had remained in the cup he had so thoughtfully decided to hold on to through all of this. He gratefully sipped the cool liquid, relishing the feeling of it seeping down his throat. Suddenly, his throat tightened! Traces of aluminum still existed in the comforting beverage! He felt himself swelling, turning into a giant. He let out a tortured roar. Then.....nothing. His vision faded to black, and the Bob we knew was no more. But something else awoke in him. It was Tob. Little known to most at the time, Bob was schizophrenic. His alternate self blinked his swollen eyes, and looked around. Midgets were screaming and yelling. His hearing wavered, then closed to most of the chaotic noise. Often the high-pitched shrieks broke through to his large ears. An ambulance arrived, and in record time, for there had been an incident in the meat department, so the ambulance had already been on its way. You see, Tob thought he was a normal size, so when the paramedics shot him with the medicine to cure him of his abnormality, he panicked. Tob is very insecure, and didn't know why he was shrinking, nor why people were shooting at him with odd-looking darts. As his size stabilized, he was overwhelmed by the feeling of small stature. The degree of which he felt this feeling could only be compared to the feeling one gets when walking through a dark forest alone, tripping on a stone, falling into the dust, being stepped on by some extinct sauropod, and finding yourself dining with a colony of ants, or so you thought, for then they decide that you would make a delicious side dish to their famous bumblebee on a stick. Not only does it not make any sense, it is very disconcerting, especially to one as nervous as Tob. He shrieked in fear, and scampered to the garden section to hide.
To Be Continued....

"There's really no reason to call the police..."

"Do you hold the phone when you're alone, imagine that it rings, and hold it to your ear, and wish that I was there, to sing you off to sleep, be with you in your dreams."
Wrecking Hotel Rooms, MXPX
I was playing guitar at 11:00 last night. I was supposed to be asleep...
It's summer and my parents moved my bedtime to ten. Come on, it's summer! I want to stay up until 2:00 am!!
"She's thinking dirty thoughts.....about BUNNIES!" I have the weirdest conversations at Island Lake. And I throw ice at people. So now I'm fired. But just because I work off-season, so I can't work again until the fall.
Lol, everyone thinks I have mad guitar skillz. That's funny.
I still have a little bit of history left. But that's only because I lost the book halfway through the year.
Shooting for the movie has yet to resume. And that's okay, because my hair is still slightly purple and I can't find that leather cuff I wore. Sheridan, Rachel, and I need to re-do the soap dance...
I'm going to have a party when High School Musical 2 comes out. I might need to ask my parents, though.
"I major in Awesome... And I'm flunking."

They don't understand. No one understands. It's all very.....emo.

That's only kind of true. I'm not depressed about it. Just ranting.
It sucks being a girl sometimes. Jason was wearing all black one day and no comment. The next day I wear all black and my parents think I'm going goth. I actually just like wearing black.
I act so stupid at times. Actually that's debatable. Some people would say all the time.
I think I sent someone the wrong signals. I only see him like once every four months, and I act like he's not there because I don't talk to him because I'm so stupid and SHY.
Man, everyone thinks I want to be a "rockstar." That's not what it's about (yes, I have a shirt that says rockstar on it, but I'm just trying to be optimistic). And I'm not good at telling people that because I have trouble talking about "deep" things that involve me. And I'm not really that talented, so they're like, how is this going to work again?
My dad keeps bringing architecture. "I stink at drawing." "You could get better if you practice." "I don't like architecture, I like music." "You think people can't change? Besides, you could design music halls."
I don't WANT to change. I don't think people understand WHY I like music. It just, I don't know, it means a lot more to me than "Hey, this should be fun."
I think I am verging on mentally disturbed and slightly schizophrenic at times. Either that or this is just something that happens when you're a fifteen year old girl.

"Your Narcotic! Sold your soul, now they want more..."

The dance was pretty awesome. Lauren, you so should have come!!
Eli kept calling me pitch. And I kept kicking myself when we did that jump thing. Emily and I danced together a lot. There weren't enough guys.
The Virginia reel is fun. I finally got the hang of it.
Alexa: "This is a token of my feelings for you." *hands Eli a pointy, burnt, wooden stick*
I have to dye my hair today. I'm being Locke again. It's so fun to be goth.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately...... Mostly because of Pastor Matt's sermons.
BIG SPLASH! My mom just bought tickets! I want to see Dead Poetic in concert. I saw their video for Narcotic. It was just the band playing, but it was good.
I saw the video for Looking For Angels!!!! It premiered at ATF, but it was also on ATFtv. I'm going to try to burn it so I can bring it to youth group or something.
Asia's going to dye her hair pink for Creation fest. She won't be easy to miss.
Haste the Day is pretty good. I saw the video for When Everything Falls and Stitches, and they're pretty cool. I want to get a new CD. But I'm trying to save my money for Creation fest.

"Why do I feel like I'm slipping away...."

I must be bipolar.......
This morning was nice... I really liked the message. But I've been looking forward to youth group, and it is not happening today....
I'm tired from staying up late yesterday, and we had to clean for hours, no joke. Today I'm just........
Yeah. Then I got in the car and turned up the music,(I wasn't actually going anywhere...) and then I was hyper. I wanted to have a dance party. But my dad is using the Xbox, and that's the only room I can use. So now I'm sad again.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I actually did say that a few times today, along with "my life has no meaning," and "Hey Emily! Wanna dance? Please! Please! Come on, let's dance! Let's dance!!!!"

You give love a bad name.

Dream big? I can dream big. I'm a dreamer. It's what I do. I just never think anything like that will happen. Because I thought that if I dream too big, I'll be disappointed. I don't want to end up as some random person who never did anything meaningful.
BIG SPLASH! I need to go to a concert. I haven't gone in so long.
BLAKE WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! And, on top of that, his hair.....
I mean, that performance wasn't even American Idol anymore. He's there.
"No one can save me, the damage is done. Shot through the heart!"
I want to cut my hair.....but I can't. Not until the movie's done. And I want british hair color. It's a red that doesn't fade to pink. Which is pretty cool.
I have to go to work now.

JERRY WALLLACE

The shooting went really well (the movie, no one was shot). And we have an extensive blooper reel. Don't look at me, it's not my fault I didn't know the mics still worked outside the building. Sarah didn't know either. But she wasn't the one singing about snow....
I really like the gothpants. But I was talking about wearing them and Camerin said not to be like that. I'm not going goth, just because I want to wear black pants doesn't mean I'm going to slit my wrists. I'm not depressed. People base too much on appearances.
JERRY WALLLACE! "You fell from the sky, and landed in our hearts. Keep on fighting!" He's so brave.
I don't know what song to learn on guitar....I was thinking maybe Breathe Into Me by Red, or Fiction by Kids In The Way, or Falling Inside the Black by Skillet.
I actually like scales. They're fun.
When we were shooting, Rachel got so mad at me. Apparently she felt really awkward. I would too, but that's why I was the goth. "I don't need sleep. Dark thoughts fuel me." It was a joke, but I had to explain why Locke was sitting while everyone else was sleeping.
Four AM is not a good time to wake up. Emily and Alexa were getting into costume or something, and I was just sitting there, hitting imaginary things with my pillow....
We're going to Oregon. And I'm bringing my guitar. When we left the house friday, I suddenly really missed my guitar. And we weren't even out of the driveway. It was weird.
I really want to do Charlie goes to Candy Mountain for the talent show. Lol, I love body mics. No one could hear except for Sarah. "If you say Charlie one more time..." "It's a leoplurodon."

Gothpants

Amazing Heavy Metal Destruction Punk Bondage Death Pants of Doom.
They're actually not scary. It's just fun to say that. I have Gothpants for tomorrow. Cause I'm going goth for a day. For the movie. But my hair's not black. It should be. But the stuff I used smelled awful, and it didn't even turn my hair black. Just dark brown. Which isn't much of a change from light brown. So I washed it out and now I have red streaks. But I'm not good at making streaks, so I just have two big patches of red on each side of my head.
I really like those pants. I had to promise my mom not to wear them with a black shirt, except for shooting the movie. Cause she doesn't like the image.
I'm not scared of Hot Topic anymore. I don't now why I was. I did have a pretty scary dream about it, though. I went there for pants, and I couldn't find any. Then the clerk brought some out in thin metal containers. I have no idea how they fit in there. I had to try really hard not to look at the ceiling, because apparently it had a picture that would scare me so bad I would cry every time we got near the mall.

Will the madness never cease?!

That's just so fun to say. Or scream agonizingly.
Seriously, I'll be lucky if I have time to breathe tomorrow. And I have nothing to do today. I like being busy, though, so it's not going to be terrible.
I'm really looking forward to summer this year. Not only do I have no school, I'm going to Creation fest and camp. I don't think I've ever been to a week-long resident camp before. I've been to day camp. When I was eight. And this annoying kid kept trying to convince me there was a ghost living in the old house.
That reminds me of the reunion.... *pulls off mask* "I'm a girl!" *little boy screams and runs away.* Boring conversation anyway.
"You will not find his address on this piece of paper." "It says pickles...."
Apparently I confuse people a lot. And make them drop things. Well, I have the same effect on myself, why not other people?
Balloons are not cool. Si senor!

"Mmmmm, sharp."

Wow. So close, yet so far.
But I'm not gonna go into that. It's probably my fault anyway.
I went to my grandparents house on Sunday after church. They started asking us kids what we wanted to do. Career-wise. They took Emily seriously. And Jason too, even though he has no idea what he's going to do. Not me, though. I want to be in a band. Dismissed. Whatever. "Teens find it glorifying to be in a band." In others words, get a real job. Hello, I'm not out for stardom. In case you haven't noticed, I'm shy. I don't like being in the spotlight unless it's with people I know and am comfortable with. If it's for anyone's "glory" it's not mine. That's why I don't like talking to people about what I want to do with my life.
I actually gave someone the impression I wanted to be clinically insane when I grow up. No, I just want to live in an insane asylum when I'm old and retired.
I'll probably pass the test with flying colors. Screaming "Hello!" while looking at my bare feet...
I'm having a party tomorrow. With guitars and chocolate-covered poprocks. But it'll probably rain.

Wow.

This is the most amazing website I have ever been too:

http://www.fractalposter.com/

I could literally spend hours there.

Bujoing? What does that have to do with it?

I finally got a google account, so I can actually post now.....
I finished my screenplay. I was really excited that it's finished, but now I kind of miss it.
Like I said at church, guitar lessons are going pretty awesome. I feel like I'm actually getting closer to my goal. But I need voice lessons. There's a voice lesson that goes on during my guitar lesson, and they were like yawning scales?
I have cut off a significant amount of my hair (Well, I didn't do it, a hairstylist did). That was probably the longest I've ever had it in my life. I have bangs now, too. At least they're better than the bangs I had when I was like eight. Those were horrible.
Sadly, no braces for me yet. Jason has pink ones... why?
Yeah, I actually get the concept of harmony, I just can't hear it on the song. We had band practice yesterday. It went pretty well, but they had a key change on one song, and now I can't sing that one part. I can't really go that high.
Yes, I get to be the goth! The one with five knives (no, she's not self-destructive, she just likes knives). Whose middle name is Pick. Really? No.
Wow, that was worse than the snapple....seriously. I was screaming. And trying to snap myself out of it by slapping myself. It hurt, but it didn't work.
Weyyyyyaaaahhhhhh!!! How do you pronounce that? It's better done in person.
"It's better than just standing here and going 'yeah...'." "Yeah..."

Eat Cake. Or chocolate covered poprocks....

Okay, I'm haven't been depressed for a long time, that was only for two days, then I talked to some people and I'm good now. I just haven't had time to blog.
Crossfire is FINALLY starting. Now that it's February. Not August.
I have a guitar lesson on Friday. And my sister has a piano lesson. And my friend has a birthday party. Busy day. I may have to go to my guitar lesson in a skirt. "I'm a rocker!! In a skirt!" Well, Lacey Mosley always wears dresses.
I don't care if I have to steal a car and drive myself, I'm going to Creation Fest! That probably won't be necessary, though. I'm pretty sure the youth group's going.
Apparently the dance got moved back again. Sometime in May, maybe? I have no idea anymore.
Well, I'm writing a screenplay (or screamplay) for 4-H. Should be interesting. Goth with knives, screaming nun, foreigner with anger issues, oh, and let's add a hippie. Good times.
Hmmm.......we should have a party.......

I don't really care if it has a title...

I'm depressed.
You would be too.
Now I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life.
I really don't want to go into it yet.
So this post is pretty meaningless.